Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles