[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*