Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So that’s what we looked like?

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch