Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

smartest karate player in the world

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*