Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.