Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Sunday
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.