Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.