[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
You Might Also Like
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said 鈥淚 gotta show you this girl she鈥檚 your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If I reply touch茅 that means I have no clue what you meant
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he鈥檇 made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
watching gymnastics
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
馃幎It鈥檚 like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap馃幎
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy鈥檚 face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
YouTube: hi. we see you鈥檙e holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We鈥檒l get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we鈥檇 like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads