Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.