Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I saw this ending much differently.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
That’s commitment
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
