Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob