@rockymomax

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

- @rockymomax

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@LosLos__

Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

@ItsSamG

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

@AmberDonn

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

@TommyWallace

[Dad jokes anonymous]

“…and I’m clean 30 days”

Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I’M DAD

“DAMN IT, JERRY!”

@OllyiConic

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@Smethanie

Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.

@rancheroni

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.