[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.