If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
12. I think about this all the damn time
All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.