Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.