Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.