Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.