[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Taliband
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
That’s classic.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.