My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
You Might Also Like
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
you will never know the true number of layers
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.