[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.