Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

thinking about this

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1625924085522874368/pu/vid/720x1280/04XJIN06c7bvpO6D.mp4?tag=14

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Twitter is an abusement park.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.