Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy