Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.