Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this