Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.