Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
All. The. Damn. Time.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.