Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars