Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Our lord and savoury.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
…żyje?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.