Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Had an epiphany today.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.