Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget