Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true