Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
All set.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?