Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
You were the one.
Happy birthday to all the women
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
When I laugh on my period
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you