Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Nice try, poison.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
New nose
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.