Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?