Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
WTF IS THAT!
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
good let them take over I have had enough
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.