Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Glasses
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.