Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
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LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I forgot how to panic. Help
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*