Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
You Might Also Like
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss