Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
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alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
#SCOTUS one-star review
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.