Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

I have so many questions.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

The 4 stages of a family vacation

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.