Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.