Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
asked my bf how work was today
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
i love meeting boys on tinder
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.