Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices