Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy