Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
British websites use biscuits.
when mom throws a party…
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me My dog
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: