Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
My brain is a bad influence on me
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work