Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

Hell yeah 👍

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

They must have gotten it to go.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.