Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
pelicons
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.