Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine