Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

this independent good boy don’t need no human

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.