Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
You Might Also Like
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.