@StillOnTheMoors

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

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@iGreenMonk

I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!

@climaxximus

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

@SkippyMcGizzard

They call the game Fortnite because it takes 14 days to tear your kids away from it.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@liv_thatsme

Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.

@MartinPilgrim1

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

@SwedishCanary

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

@codyspencer0

Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.

@auty_schmotty

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

@yung_butters

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving