Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Someone just threatened to call me later
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Breaking news:
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Mornin. * use accordingly
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
At least my masseuse has my back.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.