Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

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I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!


eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not


They call the game Fortnite because it takes 14 days to tear your kids away from it.


Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”


Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.


A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.


When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.


Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.


My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?


british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving