Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
phew
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I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.