Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Yep.
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner