Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Cheer up.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are