Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You Might Also Like
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy