Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

At least he brought enough for everyone

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Blocked: 1985

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Krampus.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!