Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Wise advice
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.