Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

Alexa: *deep breath*

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.