Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes