Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining