Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules