Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
lol
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there