Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
tis the season
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
