Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

getting seasonal up in here

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen