Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Lmfao
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
😂 amazing answer
it was love at first sight
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Shoo shoo! 😂
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!