Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

Sign at work today

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE