Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it