Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
seriously you guys
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Why am I like this?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away