Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

dutch so unserious